Self-compassion

Self-kindness vs self-judgement1

Being warm and understanding when you fail, rather than ignoring the pain or flogging yourself with criticism.

Common humanity vs isolation1

Seeing that all humans suffer and fall short, so pain connects you to others instead of setting you apart.

Mindfulness vs over-identification1

Holding painful feelings in balanced awareness, neither suppressing nor exaggerating them.

Self-compassion break: mindfulness4

Bring a stressful situation to mind and say: "This is a moment of suffering." Other options: "This hurts." "Ouch." "This is stress."

Self-compassion break: common humanity4

Then: "Suffering is a part of life." Or: "Other people feel this way." "I'm not alone." "We all struggle in our lives."

Self-compassion break: self-kindness4

Put your hands over your heart and say: "May I be kind to myself." Or a phrase that fits, such as "May I forgive myself" or "May I be patient".

The friend test5

Write down what you say, and in what tone, to a close friend who is struggling; then what you say to yourself in the same spot. Compare, and ask why they differ.

Stopping to notice1

Instead of a "stiff upper lip", you tell yourself "this is really difficult right now" and ask how you can comfort and care for yourself in this moment.

Isolation vs common humanity1

Illustration: a parent who loses patience with a crying baby feels they are the only one who fails like this. Common humanity is recognising that many parents struggle the same way.

Over-identification vs mindfulness1

Illustration: after a failed exam, over-identification sounds like "I'm a total failure"; a mindful stance sounds like "I'm really disappointed right now", neither denying nor inflating it.

The key question1

"What do I need right now?" The answer changes with the situation.

Tender and fierce1

Tender self-compassion comforts and accepts; fierce self-compassion protects, sets boundaries and motivates change.

Not self-esteem2

Neff's research found the two are different; self-compassion gives similar benefits with less narcissism and contingent self-worth.

Change from care1

You may still try to change, but because you care about yourself, not because you are unacceptable.

Well-being2

Self-compassion is positively linked with life satisfaction, optimism and emotional resilience.

Training works2

In a controlled study, Mindful Self-Compassion raised self-compassion and well-being and cut depression, stress and anxiety, lasting six months.

Scale debate2

A 2015 study could not replicate the scale's six-factor structure and proposed two; a 2019 analysis of 20 samples by Neff and colleagues found one general plus six specific factors fit best.