Shame

About the self2

Helen Block Lewis: in shame the self is the object of evaluation; in guilt, the thing done is.

Seen through others' eyes2

Judith Herman: in shame the self is split, imagining itself in the eyes of the other; in guilt it is unified.

What it feels like1

Blushing, a lowered head, wanting to disappear, feeling exposed, worthless and small.

Shame spiral1

Gershen Kaufman described self-blame and self-contempt feeding further shame in a self-reinforcing loop.

The classic contrast5

Shame says "I am a bad, inadequate person"; guilt says "I did a bad thing."

A forgotten birthday2

For example, someone who forgets a friend's birthday and thinks "I forgot; I'll call and make it up to her" feels guilt; "I'm a terrible friend, no wonder people drift away" is shame.

When guilt turns into shame5

Guilt can spread from the act to the self: "Because I did something bad, I am bad."

Repair or hide5

Guilt tends toward apologizing, amending and undoing; shame toward wanting to disappear, hiding, withdrawing or turning hostile. The same paper notes both can trigger either.

The soldier who fled5

A soldier who flees battle may feel ashamed when she focuses on falling short of her ideal image of a "brave soldier", rather than guilty.

Unwanted exposure1

Something personal that we would like to keep private is unexpectedly revealed.

Exclusion1

Being left out of a group or connection we would like to belong to.

Vicarious and secret shame1

Feeling shame on behalf of another person; and being ashamed of being ashamed.

What it looks like1

Children visibly slump and hang their heads; adults may laugh, stare, avoid eye contact, freeze their face, tighten their jaw or look contemptuous.

Guilt can coexist with self-respect2

You can keep a positive view of yourself while feeling guilty for something you did.

Shame is social threat2

Paul Gilbert traces shame to a self-focused social threat system, and guilt to caregiving and avoiding harm to others.

Research view4

A review of moral emotions treats shame, guilt and embarrassment as distinct self-conscious emotions with different costs and benefits.

Not all guilt is benign3

Exaggerated or free-floating guilt was as strongly linked to depression as shame.

Hidden beneath other states1

People may not name shame, and it is closely tied to denial, blame and contempt as defences.

Target self-criticism1

Because shame involves self-attacking inner dialogue and withdrawal, treatment focuses on changing those self-critical patterns.

Empathy1

Brené Brown argues shame needs secrecy, silence and judgement to grow, and cannot thrive in the presence of empathy.